You remember those late spring days from high school. Staring out the window daydreaming, humming “School’s Out for the Summer” in your head, counting down the hours. You’re thinking, planning what you’ll be doing during your time off.

Unfortunately, that’s about the closest many of us will likely ever come to having an actual off-season. Real life dictates silly things like college, and car payments, and insurance and then jobs. Jobs that last year-round, damnit!

But, not so for many of our NFL brethren. Off-season is an actual establishment. So what do some of our favorite players do during their off-seasons? Here’s what I like to think they might do. We’ll start with some easy ones.  

Runway Model: Tom Brady

Yeah, cut me a little slack here. Obviously, we’re starting with softballs here. Derek Zoolander once said, “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?” Well, this is basically just the opposite for Tom Terrific. By most accounts, he’s really, ridiculously good at football. Let’s see if there’s more to the fashion world. He not only has the looks, the charm, the Uggs. I hear he also has some sort of family connection to that whole fashion world. So, Tom, this off-season is your time, brother.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Nate Burleson

Again, this one is pretty pedestrian. Everyone remembers Burleson’s early season driving mishap while driving home from picking up a pizza.

Allegedly, Burleson saved one of the pizzas from sliding off the seat and into the floorboard. Unfortunately, that one act also lost him a season. So, it’s natural that his offseason gig would be a pizza deliver guy, no? I suppose the only thing to remember here, Mr. Burleson are your priorities.

Ya know, driving and not dismembering yourself or assuring the pepperoni pie arrives intact. Make the right call.

Duck Dynasty Extra: Brett Keisel

I’ve heard the Robertson boys down in Louisiana have run into a bit of controversy of late. So why not incorporate some fresh blood, some new attitude, some football? Some star power might just benefit both sides.

And there’s that whole Steeler connection. In case you’re unaware—because I know how hush hush this story has been—Steeler Hall of Fame quarterback Terry Bradshaw actually sat the bench behind Phil Robertson, inventor of the Duck Commander duck calls, for two years at Louisiana Tech back in the day.

Robertson lost interest in football; he wanted to go hang out in the woods, fishing and hunting, and reacquainting himself with nature.

And eventually a top-rated television show. I think that decision panned out for him. Keisel’s involvement, if nothing else, could incorporate a couple of flag football episodes onto the show’s docket. Ya know, to help boost ratings.

Banker: Josh Freeman

You’ve heard the old adage that bankers show up to work—and the term is used loosely—for an eight hour shift. They have an extended morning coffee meeting, take an early lunch, and then spend the afternoon playing golf.

Meet Josh Freeman, banker. He reportedly made around $9 million in 2013. After three starts, Tampa cut him, but still paid him over $6 million. Then Vikings signed him for nearly $3 million.

For what? Oh, he did play one game for Minnesota, completing 37% of his passes and threw an interception. Now I must throw in the disclaimer that my favorite uncle was a successful banker, who was always there for me, always making time to take my calls. When I was younger, he’d take me to a movie or out for some ice cream. Come to think of it, those was generally on rainy afternoons. Hmmm, perhaps the courses were closed?

Airport Auctioneer: Peyton Manning

Yes, you all know where this one is headed—a one-way ticket to the largest city in Nebraska. I can see Peyton standing in the airport terminal, getting a lay of the travelers, surveying the flight boards.

And in rapid-fire auctioneer style, he’s taking charge, nervously tiptoeing about, pointing at travelers, licking his index fingers, and yelling out, “Omaha, Omaha. Richmond. Colorado City. Pensacola is the hot trip. Watch for Vegas!” He’s all about directing the cause. But, somehow, though, I just think he’ll always point travelers back to Omaha.

Sports Handicapper: Matt Schaub

Speaking of Las Vegas, what do you call those guys who pick winners and losers, on sporting events and such? Oh yeah, gamblers. I’m not a big sports betting guy, but I’d bet Schaub could open his own Pick Six Service.

For four consecutive weeks during the 2013 season, Schaub threw pick-sixes, effectively costing the Texans in those games and losing his starting job. But, just think of the marketing opportunities, the branding. He’d certainly have the market cornered on track record alone.

Medical Sales Representative: Darren McFadden

A quick glance at the career of one Darren McFadden reflects that he’s missed nearly 20 games over the past three years, with injuries ranging from—take a deep breath—toe, knee, hamstring, shoulder, groin, foot, ankle and psyche.

OK, so I made up the last one, but you get me. The man is undeniably talented, a gifted runner, receiver and even threat to pass out of the backfield from time to time. But there’s a pattern here, ladies and gentlemen. Is it the upright running style? Perhaps an unfortunate genetic concern? Maybe it’s because he’s played for the Raiders his entire professional career? OK, that was cold.

One can only hope that all the time Run DMC has spent with doctors, in training rooms and lying flat on medical tables can put to good use. Hell, whoever hires him won’t have to spend much on product training. 

Dance Instructor: Joseph Fauria

Fauria surprised many in 2013 with a completely unpredictable red zone prowess for the Lions. He forced his way onto many a fantasy footballer radar this season by scoring five touchdowns in the first six weeks of the year. His large frame led to multiple jump ball scenarios, allowing Matthew Stafford to practice his upchuck method; chuck it and hope that Fauria goes up to get it. Unfortunately, mental images of his post-touchdown celebrations have been indelibly burned into our minds as well. He’s got his signature moves down. I’m just not convinced many would sign up for this class. In fact, remember when I said upchuck two sentences ago?

Day Care Operator: Philip Rivers

Philip Rivers has had a solid, if not spectacular NFL career. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but not everyone can win the Super Bowl every year. During the 2013 season, Rivers and wife Tiffany gave birth to their seventh child. In other news, Rivers is a religious convert to the Catholic Church.

Fathering seven kids is a feat. Parenting seven kids as a professional athlete is a thank you card (and a few more karats on that diamond ring) to an amazing woman / wife. So opening a day care shouldn’t be all that big a stretch. Tiffany and her crew—surely she has at least SOME help—can handle the little kids, the diapers and feedings.

I mean, after seven, what’s several dozen more. And Philip and his crew—ideally some of his Charger teammates can handle the activities. NFL Play60 already exists, so they can tap into that infrastructure.

Acting Lessons: Knowshon Moreno

I don’t know about you, but I was pretty impressed with Knowshon’s performance in Denver’s week 13 victory over Kansas City. His 72 receiving yards and a touchdown? His stellar blitz pickups? Not hardly. Rather, the pre-game rivers flowing from his eyes as he cried during the performance of the national anthem. Impressive, I tell you.

The tears are gigantic. They’re also a little eery. He could win an Oscar if he can cry on command. Even more so? What if Moreno can teach that skill to all the waiters and waitresses in Los Angeles looking for a break. Who needs to sign a long-term contract? That’s money in the bank.

Get Rich Quick Seminars: Matt Flynn

Where do I begin? What this guy has accomplished over the past couple years makes those Ponzi schemes look like childs play. After winning a national championship with LSU in 2007, Flynn was drafted by the Packers to back up Aaron Rodgers.

In January of 2012, he threw for 480 yards and six touchdowns; both were Packers records, things guys named Rodgers and Favre never did. That one game is essentially all the resume NFL teams apparently needed to hand him millions of dollars … to do what? Oh, hold a clipboard, get cut, sign with another team, get cut, repeat. Flynn went from Green Bay to Seattle to Oakland to Buffalo, and is now back in Green Bay.

He was with three teams over a seven month period in 2013. And, the best part for Flynn? He was able to pocket over $14 million to go away for a couple years. Well done.

Just for Men Spokesperson: Roman Harper

Harper has been one of the more dependable and consistent strong safeties in the league over the past eight years, earning a couple of Pro Bowl visits and winning a Super Bowl with New Orleans in 2010. At only 31 years of age, Harper’s salt and pepper head of hair has recently become a bit more salty than pepper-y. I keep hearing that the ladies call grey hair distinguished. Classy and sophisticated are other terms I’ve heard. But just for discussion purposes here, if grey hair is so desirable, why does a company like Combe Incorporated even make and distribute Just for Men? As a man experiencing some of this … sophistication, I’ve got your back, Roman Harper. Please just send me a few ‘sample’ boxes of the Chestnut Brown.

Of course, this article was written tongue in cheek, and all in good fun. So I sincerely apologize if I’ve insulted your favorite team, or player, occupation, religion or dance moves. But can you help me out? I still want an actual off-season.